Giving and Asking For
Feedback:
A process to
connect with others
By Boris Drizin
The quality of our relationships
and the effectiveness of our
interpersonal communication
depends largely on our ability
to seek and receive feedback, as
well as on our skills to provide
it. Good relationships are
strongly dependent on good
interpersonal communication, and
vice-versa.
Without feedback there is no
communication. If we don't get
feedback we don't understand
others and we cannot be
understood by them. We need to
know how others perceive us and
we need to let them know how we
see them. That means that we
need to develop the skill and
openness to seek and receive
feedback in an appropriate
manner, as well as give it in an
appropriate manner to others.
Appropriate means here to have
the right attitude, the right
words and actions,
to balance it and to have the right timing.
Communication is a complex
process, difficult to
anticipate. We are not always
able to transmit what we intend,
neither do we always interpret
correctly what others are trying
to convey, whether through words
or non verbal language, such as
body language - gestures,
smiles -, tone of voice,
behavior and actions.
About seeking and giving
feedback
When we seek feedback we are
trying to learn how our actions,
behavior or words are being
perceived, what reactions they
generate and how they are
affecting others. We want to be
able to see the world through
the eyes of the others.
To provide feedback on the other
hand, is to offer information
about the impact the other has
on us. By doing so we reveal our
thoughts and feelings, and
expose ourselves to others. Both
processes, seeking and providing
feedback, generate personal and
interpersonal development. When
one of them is preferred to the
other the imbalance generates
tensions, anger or resentment,
which negatively impacts our
relationships and our
performance. Mutual respect and
understanding is obtained when
we can see each other through
each others' eyes. We become
aware of our own blind spots, at
the same time that we are able
to show a part of ourselves
(feelings and thoughts) that are
not always evident.
The different faces of
feedback
Feedback can take one or several
of these forms:
-
Confirmation of a message
that was received or of an
action that took place
-
Correction of a previous
message or of an action
-
Addition of information
missing in the original
message
-
Opinions, conclusions or
judgments about a message
received, about a perceived
behavior or an action that
took place
Tips for receiving feedback
To handle the challenges of
receiving feedback, consider the
following recommendations:
Tips for giving feedback
When you are considering giving
feedback, review the following
suggestions:
-
Before giving feedback,
review your own motivations
and ensure that the other
person is prepared and ready
to hear you and is open and
willing to listen to you.
-
Establish a trusting
relationship
-
Do it with the intent of
being supportive
-
Make the information useful
for the recipient
-
Use "I" instead of "you", to
indicate that your
statements are expressing
your own perceptions,
thoughts or feelings
-
Describe the behavior of the
other and how you perceived
or interpreted it.
-
Avoid judging
-
Balance strengths and
weaknesses
-
Be specific
-
Give your rationale, your
reasons. Explain why you
think the way you do
-
Be timely, use recent
examples. The impact
diminishes over time
-
The aim is to provide help:
be sensitive to how your
words are being received
-
After providing your
feedback, give time to
reply; ask if you are being
clear
-
Be yourself, share your
feelings candidly, but be
empathic to the perspective
of the other person
-
When appropriate, maintain a
problem solving attitude
-
Feedback should be seen as
an opportunity to improve
mutual understanding. It
should be a dialogue, not a
monologue.
-
Learn to give friendly,
caring feedback, avoiding
aggression or emotional
stress
Tips for opening a feedback
space
Frequently the most difficult
part is how to address it. We
suggest some opening questions
that can help in creating a
positive atmosphere, essential
for useful feedback.
When seeking feedback:
-
Could you share with me your
observations (feelings)
about...
-
Could I get your thoughts
about...
-
Would you mind sharing with
me how...
-
Do you mean that...
-
From what I understand, it
is about....
-
Could you help me
understand...
-
Is there anything else
that...
-
Do you think it would be
better if ....
-
Do you have some suggestions
about...
-
Would it be possible to....
-
Do you think this is due to
my....
-
Do you think this happened
because I....
-
How are you feeling about....
-
How do you think he is
feeling...
When giving feedback:
-
Are you interested in
discussing how...
-
Can I share with you some
thoughts (feelings) about...
-
How are you feeling about...
-
Are you interested in
hearing how I am feeling
about...
-
Do you have any questions
about...
-
Would you be interested in
my input about...
-
Do you have some time to
discuss...
-
Is this a good time?
-
Would you like to hear my
thoughts/comments about...
-
Am I making my meaning
clear?
-
How does this sound?
-
Has anyone expressed similar
reflections about...
-
Do you have some ideas
why...
-
Have you considered....
-
Do you think it could be
helpful if...
-
Would you like it if I ...
-
Would you prefer that I
don't....
-
Is it possible that...
-
Did I say something that
made you....
-
I am under the impression
that ....
-
Would you like to take some
time to reflect on our
conversation?
Source: Adapted and
translated from the Workbook
distributed in the course
Emotional Intelligence,
Interpersonal Relationships and
Teamwork, TIMING Consultoria de
Gestão e Coaching, São Paulo,
Brazil.
www.timingconsultoria.com.br
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Origins of the term
The term Feedback originates in
cybernetics, a discipline
that began to connect the fields of control systems, electrical
network theory, logic modeling and neuroscience in the 1940s.
Cybernetics studies how signals are looped back to control the
systems within themselves. This loop is called the feedback loop. A
control system usually has an input and an output. When the output
of the system is fed back into the system as part of its input, it
is called the "feedback".
In the domain of
human behaviors, feedback not only regulates our behaviors, but it
also shapes our interactions. With good feedback we are able to grow
and thrive, create synergy and find personal or professional
fulfillment. With poorly given feedback we build walls around us and
create obstacles for ourselves and for the others. Because of little
or no training in how to address difficult conversations, we often
avoid giving or asking for critical feedback. The hope or illusion
is that by avoiding it, it will disappear or resolve itself. This
rarely occurs, and withholding feedback can create staggering
problems and situations that become even more difficult to solve.
We found this image
as a nice metaphor for feedback. The shadow (the impact) of our
behavior can grow bigger than we imagine.
Feedback is helpful when someone helps us see just how big our own
shadow is. This refers to problematic but also to positive
impact.
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